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User talk:Elitistnewb
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the File:Btrfly.png page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:11, September 28, 2014 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:48, December 24, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story It was deleted for having pretty wide-spread issues ranging from capitalization, punctuation, wording, and story issues. Capitalization: ""Uh...Okay, thanks"" When using ellipses remember that unless you are following it with a completely new sentence or a proper noun, it shouldn't be capitalized. Additionally, I would recommend using exclamation points instead of capitalizing entire phrases as it tends to come off as blocky. Punctuation: A majority of your dialogue has punctuation outside of the quotations: ""Thanks for staying at the Stone Tally Hotel",", ""Hey, I need to talk to your manager really quick.",", ""He's upstairs in the room to your left all the way down the hall",", etc. At times punctuation is completely missing from dialogue: " 'Oh yeah. No T.V'", ""Okay, thanks"", etc. Commas missing where a pause in sentence flow/dialogue is implied: "Oh(,) I almost forgot.", "Okay(,) what in the hell is going on?", "Okay(,) what the fuck is going on(should be a question mark)", etc. Wording: Awkward wording: "Going from left to right, there were two businessmen, a sheriff, another businessman, a janitor, a priest, three children around the age of 7 or 8, and the front desk worker and someone else in a suit, and guessing by the front desk worker, I would guess the manager.", "I was some of the wallpaper peeling.", etc. It's=it is, its=possession: " it's old age" Additionally there are a lot of fragmented sentences here. Wording issues cont.: A number of sentences that really should be broken into two separate lines due to the amount of content there: "I looked in the mirror of the dim bathroom, now covered in ants and roaches and mice, to see there were purple bags under my eyes, I was drenched in sweat, despite the low temperature, and I had messy stubble all over my face." You also should switch up/vary some wording: "I ran into a room and slammed the door. I ran into my bed..." Story issues: Some of the description needs a bit of re-tooling here. "I looked like I was in a concentration camp for a week in WWII." Really stating the length of time isn't necessary to the story and may open up more questions than you set to explain. A week during the time when the Nazis were rationing food? A week after they abandoned camp and there was absolutely nothing? Etc. A little more explanation of why the hotel is gathering these people would also do a good job of increasing the scare factor/tension of the story. It also seems odd the two separate groups of people would stop to admire the exact same picture and note the number of people and all their professions. There were quite a number of issues here and the haunted hotel premise really felt kind of felt like a rehashed premise from "Hotel California" without much build-off on it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:19, December 24, 2015 (UTC)